I still love spinning around in dresses. 

Another early memory was being at my aunties house and my cousin had a brooch that was a big plastic ruby. It was in her wardrobe and just a little bit high for me to reach but I remember staring at it for hours, mesmerised by its beauty. Day dreaming about being covered in sparkling jewels. 

I would steal my cousin's red pumps and play outside as Dorothy in the dirt (oh i got in trouble for that one). I played with Barbies, and when i say played, I mean I dressed them and did their hair and then redecorated their house. Most of my sisters dolls had hair cuts by the time she grew out of them. I still haven't grown out of them. 

I would make my little sister costumes. Her mermaid tail was easy; Jasmine from Aladdin wasn't as easy. I made a lot of mistakes which helped me when I started sewing for myself.  I love to sew now and I'm proud that i can pretty much make anything I need. 

When I was 14 i ditched school and stayed home. With the whole day to myself, I played dress ups. Mum came home early from work with a headache to find me in her room, dressed in her black mini dress, full face of make up miming to Natalie Cole's “Wild Women Do” from the Pretty Woman soundtrack. And even though she was obviously angry and shocked, for all of the above reasons, I think she knew that this was who I was. Even though she didn't understand it.

Unfortunately my family had never dealt with homosexuality before, yet alone a boy who wants to dress like a girl, so somewhere along the way I was made to feel shame about doing something that came so naturally to me. I don't think they ever meant to scare or scar me, but they did. 

I spent 14-18 trying to find my identity in the world and It wasn't until I was 18 and moved to Sydney that my passions started to re-emerge. And once i understood what i was, Vanity was born. I had found my identity. 

It's taken me a long time to find a balance between the man and woman inside me. The society around me had forced me to keep the two very separate, even though it was who I was. But now, in a different time and with a lot of years behind me, I’m very comfortable being myself these days and even consider myself on the trans spectrum. 

I have two poems that i wrote about these times. The first is called Blue and it tells the story of being a child of drag in a world that doesn't understand. And the second is called Sparkle and its about the power I got from being who I am. 

They are both very personal to me and I hope you like them. Thanks for listening!

Do you remember when you were helpless?

When the shadows made you petrified. 

When the darkness ran wild in your imagination 

And left you frozen from the inside. 

A little boy left wondering, always

Never knowing what was going on

Too busy dreaming of another life

Where wearing pink wasn't  considered wrong. 

It was dark in that world of confusion  

And fear was often my only friend 

My world was small but terrifying 

And even on the truth I couldnt depend. 

It wasn't their fault, they did their best

But i was so different to anything they knew

An oddity without a manual 

So they took away my dolls and dressed me in blue. 

All the things that I found natural

I was made to feel shame and so I suppressed

And slowly my soul was dismantled

And like a robot in blue I dressed. 

I retreated into a world of distraction 

My daydreams ruling my waking thoughts

Living life without even watching

Dreaming of dresses while wearing shorts. 

I played with cars and even tried football. 

Endured He-Man and soldiers in armies 

Forced into soccer and karate and cricket

But all I wanted was She-Ra and barbies 

And years went by and it was no longer

Appropriate to want to play with the girls. 

The boys went out to rumble

But I stayed inside to brush out Barbies curls. 

This only got me in trouble 

They called me names and they teased

I understood that I was the problem

And so I tried again to keep them all pleased

So back into my corner of suppression 

Backing further out of view

Trying desperately not be noticed

Hiding the fact I wasn't wearing blue. 

And in my darkness survival took over 

So my gender and colour would sync

Blue was a reliable camouflage 

But in my mind all I could see was pink